We named our party play list daddy issues
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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