Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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