I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
