He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I currently don't understand fingers.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize