The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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