The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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