life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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