Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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