im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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