He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
