if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
