Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
