I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
