Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
