His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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