I just saw a hot homeless man
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
