you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
