Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
