Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize