Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
