Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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