did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
