i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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