My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
