Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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