i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
