just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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