He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize