I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
