If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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