Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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