Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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