apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
