even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
