I am spending my child support on dildos
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
