Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
