i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
