Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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