I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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