I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
