I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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