We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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