Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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