Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
