1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
