I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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