Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I could fuck to npr.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
