ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I didn't notice because vodka
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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