Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
