3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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