Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
