Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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