Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
