hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
