Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
