1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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