My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
sarcasm needs its own font
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
