I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
