I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Randomize
