Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
