just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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