For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
