he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
