My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
