rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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