There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
